In a bold act of consistency, the school’s main elevator broke down Thursday morning, marking its third mechanical failure of the week and cementing its status as Shaker’s second most reliable disappointment, behind the heat in the front hallway.
According to administrators, the elevator “entered an unresponsive emotional state” at approximately 8:22 a.m., shortly after being asked to carry two backpacks, a trombone and a single freshman who “looked at it weird.”
School officials insist that the breakdown was unexpected, despite the elevator having broken down on Monday, Wednesday and any day involving rain, humidity or “bad vibes.”
“I don’t know what people expect,” said the Assistant Administrative Adviser to the Elevator-Management Communications Vice Director. “This elevator was built to transport one adult male. Maybe. On a good day. Under strict supervision.”
There are three elevators in the building. Two of them travel to the second floor only, but students do not like to use them because “the emergency buttons look more worn than the floor select ones.” The main elevator is the only one that goes to the third floor.
Some students are forced to attend inaccessible classes via Zoom meeting, where their faces are projected onto the smartboard of the classroom in full screen. “You get used to it after a while,” said one teacher. “And it’s like they’re still here!”
Another teacher, whose classroom is on the third floor, is especially infuriated by the elevator’s unpredictability. “If that thing won’t drag my students up here, I’ll do it myself!” she said.
Senior Administrative Assistant Laurie Brem has asked the principal to hire someone to send the emails regarding the elevator’s operational status throughout the day — which is apparently not a responsibility of the Assistant Administrative Advisor to the Elevator-Management Communications Vice Director — because she needs time to make the announcements about the fire alarm.
Since the start of the 2025-26 school year, 14 emails have been sent to students and teachers to update them about whether or not they will be able to use the elevator that day. Three of those emails were sent on Dec. 1 alone. The four most recent elevator failure messages were sent Feb. 6, 10 and 11.
Maintenance staff report that the issue is “complicated and mysterious,” citing that every time they fix one part, a new part immediately bursts into flames “out of spite.”
Despite repeated complaints, the district has stated that replacing the elevator would be “very expensive,” and that funding is currently allocated to a new football scoreboard capable of displaying emojis.
Administrators remain optimistic, assuring students that the elevator will be fully operational by tomorrow morning, barring unforeseen circumstances such as weather, time or existence itself.
Students, meanwhile, have already begun placing bets on how long it will take to break again, with most predicting “before second period.”
A version of this article appears in print on page 8 of Volume 96, Issue 4, published Feb. 28, 2026.
