The award-winning Shaker Heights High School student news organization

The Shakerite

The award-winning Shaker Heights High School student news organization

The Shakerite

The award-winning Shaker Heights High School student news organization

The Shakerite

New Schedule Freaks Everyone Out

Copies of the schedule are available in Chinese, Spanish, French, Yiddish, Ancient Greek, American Sign Language, musical theory and Australian
Daniel Carroll
A bewildered student attempts to navigate the disorderly jungle that is the schedule for the month of May. A senior, he is thankful that there isn’t much more of the month he’ll have to endure.

A new schedule for the month of May has been posted on the official Shaker Heights High School Facebook page, which we all definitely check at least twice a day.

The all-new, revised schedule is meant to be very straightforward. After the mess of an April schedule that caused club cancellations, complaints and confusion, we’re all ready for a simple, redone calendar that makes sense to everyone.

Looking at the new schedule, you can tell that the first week is only a little bit rearranged: Mondays are on Tuesdays and Thursdays, even days are on odd days, and odd days are on the weekend. Lunch is split into five, 12-minute blocks that occur after each period. It’s simple, really.

The second week is all about testing, because we haven’t had enough of that yet.

Testing will begin immediately, lasting from 5:30 to 11:99, Monday through Thursday, except for Wednesday, when testing will be from 5:14 to 6:52 with an 18-minute break in between each test, followed by a second session from 7:10 to 8:45 and a half. If it’s Algebra, normal classes will be five minutes long, unless more than five fire alarms are pulled in one day, which adds fourth period onto the end of the day for no reason.

Don’t ask about what’s happening Friday. Friday has been banished to the pits of hell along with the remnants of Greek and everyone’s favorite electives.

The third week is being called “recovery week.” To calm students after the first two weeks of turmoil, yoga classes will occupy every period of the day, led by the U.S. Army recruiters that you sometimes see in the lunchroom. Once you’re nice and relaxed, they’ll shove some papers and a pen under your nose, and next thing you know, you’ll be in boot camp.

Soon you’ll be able to pick up copies of the schedule from the main office. They’re only a few inches thick and bound by leather, so you can probably fit them in your backpack.

It’s a lot, but don’t worry. As long as you listen to the morning announcements with full attention, like every good Shaker student, you’ll be perfectly fine.


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  • Elizabeth Colquitt | May 1, 2024 at 3:12 pm

    You did a great job with this. It’s hilarious!