Stories from Expeditions to the Loo (Satire)

When the urge calls, most of the time, SHHS restrooms do not deliver

As a member of this fine institution’s cross country and track teams, I find myself running approximately 6 days a week, 48 weeks a year. Anyone who sees me walking around the hallways has probably seen my iconic teal Hydro Flask dented from dropping it so much. Despite the dents, this insulated beauty has carried me through the 2021/2022 track and cross country seasons. How? With the 32 ounces of water it insulates throughout the day. At meets, I often find myself with two Hydro Flasks of water (especially at hot meets!)

As I drink these insanely high amounts of water in season and out, I often find myself running off to the loo at least once a class period. But there is an issue with all this madness: the ladies’ restrooms get locked randomly and without warning. At first I thought I could mathematically figure this bathroom locking schedule out with the help of my  sequence knowledge, however as the unit did not enlighten my Algebra 2 classroom until late April, this was not an option for most of the year. What’s more, there was no pattern to these lockings. For a little bit of perspective, let me share with you a story from May 3, 2o22…

It was seventh period, the last period of the day. Weak and weary from the stress of upcoming tests and the weight of new work I had completed during the day, I was very much done with the day. I had finished all of my classwork and in my water drinking and stress, I had conjured up a need to use the loo. I politely asked my teacher and got the nod of approval. With this, I skipped out of the classroom gleefully (and slightly painfully). Now for the rest of this story to be comprehended in its entirety, it needs to be understood that my seventh period class is on the third floor near the “up” staircase. I was already slightly jealous that my male classmates had one right near the classroom. 

Knowing that the bathroom on the 3rd floor was likely to be locked, (as it was 99.9% of the times I had tried to go to it) I went straight down to see if I could get into the upper cafeteria bathroom. This had worked the last time I tried, but on May 3rd, it was locked. Ok I thought I’ll just try the blue pass bathroom (second floor bathroom). Oh how silly of me! For when I arrived at the blue pass bathroom, I was greeted by the friendly and all-too-well known *click* of a locked bathroom door. My thoughts swirled as I proceeded with an empty heart down the ‘down’ staircase to my last hope… the Egress bathroom. 

The Egress bathroom proves a safe haven, a last resort, a savior, (the list of half-backhanded compliments goes on) to girls across the school. When I arrived, I was not shocked to see a gathering of girls there… Not a traditional ‘escaping class to hang out in the bathroom’ gathering, but a gathering who, like me, just wanted to go to the bathroom. At that moment, I knew it was my DUTY (hehe) to chronicle my experience and let Shaker know  the struggle many students, including myself, face for something so simple and necessary for every human.

This incident of all bathrooms above the Egress being locked had yet to happen to me during the actual school day until the events of May the 3rd befell. I had already had plenty of experience with needing to proceed downstairs from seventh period to the upper cafeteria bathroom or the girls’ blue pass bathroom , but I NEVER  before had to go all the way from the third floor to the EGRESS! 

Although as a runner I am in good shape and don’t mind a few flights of stairs, I DO mind running through a maze like a trapped lab rat just to reach the bathroom. From these wild adventures, I have learned to ask myself: “Is it worth it???” To pee or not to pee… that is the question.

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