Welcome Back, Faces! (Satire)

It is said that eyes tell everything, but do they really?

Today, for the first time in almost two years, students and staff can be seen walking through the halls and sitting in classrooms maskless. While we may be excited to see the faces of our friends or really see how our latest crush looks, one question remains… How will we get re-adjusted to a mask-free world? 

Here are six recommended tips to re-mask yourself— without the actual mask.

1. SMILE THROUGH THE PAIN: Smiles are going to be in style. You’ll never want to be seen without one! To reintroduce yourself to the act of pretending everything is fine, go watch sad dog commercials on YouTube and try to smile the entire time. (Not recommended by mental health experts.)

2. SIT, STAY, DON’T MAKE GROSS EXPRESSIONS: If it works on our pets, who’s to say it won’t work on us! To execute this exercise, you’re going to need some of your favorite snacks! Every time you notice you made a gross expression, give yourself a stern “NO!” (For the sake of other students, I urge your “no” to be in your head and not out loud.) After a while, you should start to catch your expression mistakes. Every time you stop yourself from making an expression, treat yourself to a piece of your snack! Bow-WOW!

3. MASKNE: Nothing other than magic can solve maskne, the facial acne caused by masks. The good news, you aren’t the only one who will be showing off fabulous pimples below the mask line. It will take time and adjustment, but The Shakerite trend predictor assumes that maskne will soon be in fashion as a sign of the rugged toughness you attained during the masked years of the pandemic.

4. LEARN VENTRILOQUISM: The days of silently murmuring to yourself are about over. You might be silent but your lips are moving— and as Meghan Trainor says, “If your lips are moving, then you’re lyin’, lyin’, lyin’, baby”. Unwanted opinions and hidden feelings about people will erupt like a hate volcano unless we all practice our ventriloquism. With practice, you will be ready to take on the world maskless, and also America’s Got Talent!

5. BREAK THE ICE: If you so choose to drop the mask, get ready for a wave of confusion from your teachers! Name games may come back for a first week of school revival. If your teachers are truly confused, simply cover your mouth and nose with your hand for a few seconds and it should come back to them. Students, remember teachers are also reacclimating to the mask-optional school. 

6. And last but not least, APPRECIATE THE EFFORT: You’re not the only one who will be readjusting to life without a mask on every face. Be forgiving and understand that this process may be incredibly stressful for some of your classmates. Some may opt to still wear a mask, while others may never put one back on. Some may even choose to wear a mask or not depending on which class they are in. Don’t let anyone pressure you one way or another and don’t pressure anyone else. You are beautiful with or without a mask and whatever you choose is right!

The Shakerite looks forward to seeing your faces!

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