Fall and Spring Musical Announcement (satire)

Mr. Sumerak Announces City Tour for 2022

Scott Sumerak, chair of the Shaker Theater Arts Department, is kissing the ground that small but mighty Ohio governor Mike DeWine walks on. 

“Before Covid, I didn’t know Ohio had a governor. In fact, I didn’t know “governor” was a real title! I’m not sure if you’re a stranger to the stage or not… Are you a stranger to the stage?” Sumerak asked. 

I debated whether or not a brief stint with the Onaway Little Theater made me an acquaintance to the stage, but decided it wouldn’t make the cut. “Well,” he continued,  “an acting exercise that cast members run through before a show is standing on an elevated surface and bellowing ‘ELLO GOV’NAH! ‘ELLO GOV’NAH!’ in a cockney dialect.” 

Sumerak began demonstrating the exercise for me. While he greeted imaginary Gov’nahs in a thick indeterminable accent, he beckoned for me to join him atop a chair. After telling him multiple times that I would not like to partake in the exercise, he made his way back to ground level. 

“So, yeah. That’s just how we like to get the juices flowing.” After 15 more minutes of vocal warmups, Mr. Sumerak launched into the past, present, and future of Shaker theater.

Shaker was supposed to put on a production of “Rent” in March of 2020. Due to COVID-19, the cast and crew were forced to cancel the performance. 

“The love that I have for this show is undying. So undying, that I am happy to announce a 2022 city tour of ‘Rent.’”

Ladies and gentlemen, after a year hiatus, Shaker theater will be coming back to us, live and in person. Mr. Scott J. Sumerak will be dawning his wig, guitar, trench coat, camera, scarf, and heels for his one man production of “Rent.” The production will be coming door to door to Shaker Heights residents starting February of 2022. The process is simple: Mr. Sumerak rings your doorbell, and begins the opening monologue of “Rent.” If homeowners attempt to close the door, Mr. Sumerak will hold it open and continue his performance, never breaking the fourth wall. There will be an intermission one hour and thirty minutes into the performance, in which you are encouraged to invite Mr. Sumerak inside for hot cocoa and Chex mix. He may ask your significant other to run through his act two lines with him, and he may ask if you have any mic tape. The accoutrements Mr. Sumerak may ask for will be shipped to you before the performance. 

After some concessions, it’s back to the front porch where your private performer will pick up right where he left off. Tissues are encouraged for the opening of act two- a heart wrenching performance of “Seasons of Love” (my personal favorite part is his choice to take the final riff up four octaves). 

His production will no doubt leave you in a puddle of tears, confusion, laughs, and rejuvenation. Though Shaker Theater may not look the same as it has in years passed, it will always have the same passion and rigor, proved by the artists who are willing to do whatever it takes to create.

The Shaker Theater arts department is happy to announce that it will be having a complete, live program for this school year. The fall play will be “Cryano de Bergerac,” and the spring musical will be “Barnum.” We are all very excited for the season ahead of us, and have missed live theater. 

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