The Yondr pouch policy hit students like a rampaging garbage truck, and they spent the first semester adjusting to a phone-free environment. Now, The Shakerite has discovered new details about an expansion of the phone policy.
A few mouse clicks at shaker.org will take you to a disturbing page titled, “The Yondr Manifesto.” The page outlines in excruciating detail what changes will further torment students in the coming months.
Students who ignore the policy should be afraid. Students who are repeatedly caught with un-pouched phones will be forced to wear a brand new, top-of-the line Yondr jumpsuit. The jumpsuit features a magnet-locked mouth zipper, flippers that make obnoxious squeaks in the hallways, and lice. Students can shed their confining jumpsuit at 3:10 p.m., at which time they must waddle out the front entrance and immediately endure a humiliating disrobing process that employs magnets, scissors and up to an hour of struggle and perspiration.
The Yondr Room is the next stop for students who persist in accessing their phones during the school day. You may have heard screeches coming from the basement; those are just the test subjects. Ignore them. Everything is fine.
According to the company’s website, “Yondr works with educators, artists, organizations and individuals around the world to create phone-free spaces where genuine connection, focus, and creativity can flourish in the absence of technology.”
Due to mounting pressure from the phone-containment company, Yondr-focused classes are already being considered for next year’s curriculum. AP Yondr History could replace APUSH, a Shaker favorite, and Yondr & Conditioning would see students push their strength to the limit while trying to smash open as many Yondr pouches as they can.
Taking it too far? Ridiculous! Here’s what the Board of Education has to say about it: “The Board directs the Superintendent/designee to develop procedures governing student use of cellphones that permit a student to use a cellphone or other electronic communications device for student learning or to monitor or address a health concern if included in a student’s individualized education program or plan, a 504 plan or other reason deemed appropriate by the Superintendent/designee to monitor a student health concern.” BOE language is also being considered as a potential foreign language class.
These rules apply to all; yet, in an act of betrayal, former Principal Eric Juli was discovered on Nov. 26 to have been unlawfully using his iPhone to order Chipotle. On that very night, he was taken away by the Yondr Squad in a surprise sting operation, never to be seen again.
